Nature's Effect and my name...

This past weekend was good. Saturday I did some running around with my mom, we did some shopping, some thrifting. We love doing that. It's always fun to see what bargains we can find. And it's great for our limited budget as well!!! Most people would be horrified to admit that they shop at Goodwill, especially for clothing. I myself used to be horrified to admit that. But have any of you actually looked at the clothing racks there? You can find some really sweet deals there. I have found some brand new clothes there on their racks. I got a cute pair of high heels that were brand new from Target (still had the Target tags on them!!) for $2 this past weekend...they were normally $23! I also stumbled upon some close to new silver heels by Mudd for $4 and a brand new Mudd purse for $3. Not to mention the black pinstripe pants and skirt I found there that are originally from WalMart (probably $15-20 a piece) and a new sweater from Old Navy there. People seriously, before you go pay department store prices, check out your local Goodwill. There actually is some great stuff there! Besides thrifting is very good for the environment hehe. (reuse and recycle =-P)

As far as Easter sunday goes...it was pretty well. My mom insisted I attend a church service with her so to make her happy I did. I have never felt comfortable in a church, refusing to go when I was a teenager (though I was dragged there against my will) and not even liking to go when I was a kid. Sunday as I sat in church...I half listened to the sermon. The preacher said something like "there is no hope without Easter". I understand he meant without the rising of Jesus from his tomb. However...I believe that there is.

Whenever my family stumbles upon this blog I'm sure this is one of many posts that will raise the hairs on their heads but...I have to say what I feel. This is my blog after all. I have followed an alternative path for a long time now in silence and the more I really think about my beliefs the more firm I am in them. For example, my belief in reincarnation. The preacher gave a reason for the fear of death...something tied to the Christians belief system, though I can't recall exactly what he said. I don't personally fear death...I fear the unlived life. I don't fear dying, I know it comes to all things in time and I know my time will eventually come and that when it does come I'll have learned what I'm meant to in this life. I also know that my spirit will be reborn and I'll have the chance to live again. A different life and chances are I won't recall this one but I don't believe we have just one life here to live.

As I was sitting in the church sanctuary I was having all these thoughts. When the music started I enjoyed the melodies and thought some of the songwriters did a good job with them, some of the singers there have some real talent-some great voices and are great musicians. But then I allowed myself to observe the actual building. It felt so cold and uninviting to me. It was dark and impersonal and not a place that I could personally call a sanctuary. My sanctuary isn't foudn in a building. It's found in a wooded park close to my house. It's found right outside my door under the shade tree in my backyard. It's found by the lake at my uncle's house. It's found in a grassy meadow in a distant land. Nature is my santuary...my place for worship. I have tried to infuse my room with many of it's own decorations. I hang pictures of flowers, have faerie statues sitting around, I have a growing plant in my window but nothing NOTHING will ever compare to the serenity and total completeness I feel out in nature.

Sometimes when I sit at my favorite spot in my favorite park in the summer time and just look around at all the beauty and the wildness of the plants there, the babbling stream, and the various birds that are found there...I get tears in my eyes just from feeling so at home, so at peace. I feel something brush a gentle caress across my cheek and I know that no masculine touch could ever feel so soft, so gentle. I know it's the hand of an ancient Goddess alerting me of Her presence, letting me know She's there to watch over me and that She hears me every time I pray to Her.

This is a feeling I have NEVER gotten from a church building or the Christian God (and it's not for lack of trying). I have never felt so at peace so...totally loved, accepted, and just all around connected as I have since I began my own spiritual journey 11 years ago. I wound never ask my family to give up their own beliefs, if this is the feeling they get from what they practice then I could never ask them to sacrifice it. I myself would never be able to give up this feeling. I return every chance I get even if it's just for a few seconds just to get a glimpse of this feeling. Even watching the shrubs outside my work's window I get chills thinking about Her.

There is a name that I have felt drawn to for a very long time. Some people reading this will know of a columnist by the same name but, this came to me before I stumbled upon her. I've resisted embracing it because I didn't know what the first part meant and I never really believed I was anything like the second part.

Kiva Rose

I now know that they both fit me. A kiva is a spiritual room for the Hopi Indians where all their rituals were performed. I have been obsessed with Native Americans and their culture since they were first taught to me in school. It was always my favorite part of history class when we would have to learn the different tribes. I later found out that I have Hopi ancestors on my maternal side. So I've been reading about them. The name of Kiva very much feels...perfect for me. I'm a very spiritual person, I have Native American ancestors who used Kiva's for the spiritual practices....

As for the Rose part...my grandma has called me Rosebud ever since I was little. I never cared for it much and I'm not sure why. I especially didn't like it when my step-uncle started calling me that. Anyone perhaps when I was a child Rosebud would have fit me. But lately I've been meditating on the rose, learning a bit more about them. Their sharp places aren't thorns (those are modified leaves) but actually prickles. Roses come in many different colors (I even found a picture of a purple one!!!) and all have different meanings. The prickles to me are like the prickles I have to keep people at bay, to keep them from getting too close. But yet my core is soft much like the various colored rose petals. I do not think I'm the conventionally beautiful type but I do think my personality and the woman I'm growing to be is beautiful. Not to mention the fact that I am a very sensual person, I love being in love, and I just plain love love itself. So to me 'Rose' fits very much anymore. The more I meditate on it and learn about it, the more I truly believe that.

I tried adding the 'bud' onto Rose (to get Rosebud) to see if that still fit but...it doesn't. It feels kina foreign to me now but yet familiar, if that makes sense. I also tried adding mary to the end to get Rosemary since I love herbs so much but...that doesn't feel quite right either. Wildrose does feel right.

So I have modified the name that originally came to me years ago from "Kiva Rose" to "Kiva Wildrose".

The more I think about that name, the more I realize that for this stage of my life and development, there is no better name for me. No name could fit me more.

*~*Kiva Wildrose*~*

It's Ok To Be Different

Ugh I really don't feel like being here right now. I've been battling a cold all week. Funny thing is my cat has one too. We both woke up the same morning with a cold...both sneezing every now and again. I'm just hoping we don't get the other human and the other cats that live with us sick as well. I'm sitting at work hoping the phone doesn't ring much because my throat hurts bad enough without having to constantly talk.

I think it was Tuesday that I heard that Vermont also legalized Gay Marriage. Woohoo. This time it didn't depend on liberal judges either, it was something the state government did. I wish Indiana would follow suit...

I'm getting reminders to both pay attention to my talents that I'm not using (I'm assuming this means my writing as I haven't been giving it as much attention lately as I used to) and also to slow down and think before I act/speak. This is all very good advice but it's getting harder to do.

Also, I'm tired of hiding certain aspects of myself just because I'm afraid of my family's reaction to it. Family is something that is important to me and I believe that family should stick by eachother regardless of what they do. These people are tied to us and meant to be in our lives for a reason. Either they're supposed to teach us something or we are supposed to teach them something. I don't really believe in coincidences, I believe everything happens for a reason.

We may get frustrated when family members choose to lead their lives different from the way we live ours but that isn't reason to shun them, we should look at that as a way to learn something. We don't need to always analyze why a person does something (though this is something I love doing) but just accept that they do it. For examply who cares about the why of someone being gay/lesbian, what does it matter the why of someone being drawn to explore other religions. The fact is they are. If they choose to live differently than you do, then isn't that their decision to make? I understand parents wanting to protect their children, I really do but...unless a child is literally about to jump off a cliff, I believe kids need to make their own mistakes. Some people, like me, just have an interest in other religions and other cultures. Sometimes those interests lead them to something that more closely fits what they believe than the religion they were brought up in does.

If a person's religious beliefs differ from their parents that doesn't mean the person is saying the parent did a bad job of raising them or that the beliefs of the parents can't work for those parents, it just simply means that they don't fit what the child believes. It is okay, in my opinion, for the children to hold different beliefs than the parent. We are all at different stages of development in our spiritual lives. Just because one person believes there is a devil out there setting temptation in front of them all the time, wanting them to fall from grace and screw up doesn't mean the next person does.

I, personally, don't believe in a supreme evil being. I believe that believing in something and giving it a name gives it power. What I do believe is that anything that happens to us in our lives is entirely man made. Basically the law of karma. What you do, you're gonna get back. Steal something? You'll be arrested most likely but even if you aren't you'll have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life. Lie? You may never get caught but the chances are you'll have to lie again to cover up your first lie and then you have guilt for that. Have too many beers? You'll have to deal with the hangover and the repercussions of your crazy behavior the next day. Nothing is free.

Many people would now say to me "Yea, but what caused those people to lie, steal, or drink to begin with?" To which I would say something like "We are human, we do make mistakes. We all have lessons to learn but the path in which we learn them is not the same as everyone else's." For example: I can easily sit and hear stories of my uncle and father drinking and getting drunk, them dealing with hangovers, or see a movie that shows the same thing and know not to drink. Some other people have to actually do the action and experience the hangover in order to learn the lesson. Just like in school some kids can read a book and learn about science, others need the more hands on approach. Me? I'm the booker. Some of my friends are the doers. Only the stars can tell which way is best for us...

A Theological Epiphany

I've had a realization lately. Let me see if I can put this into words...

Whatever life experiences you have deepens or lessens your faith, regardless of what faith you walk.

For example:
I'm going to make up someone, we'll call her Tara. Let's say Tara is a Christian and always has been. She's played the lottery since she was old enough to buy a ticket and one day, she gets the winning ticket. She wins a million dollars. This makes her thank Jesus and have even more faith that he is working in her life because Tara's family is on the brink of foreclosure and can barely keep enough food on the table regardless of the fact that she works hard everyday. Jesus is, therefore, protecting her.

But!!

Let's say this same situation happens to someone else. Actually no lets just use Tara again but instead of Christianity lets say she walks the Hindu path. That she worships the Gods and Goddesses typically found in India and places like that. Lets say Tara is still the same hardworker with foreclosure looming overhead. She still plays the lottery every week and she still wins. This time instead of thanking Jesus, she's going to thank Laksmi (the Hindu Goddess of fortune) for blessing her with good fortune and perhaps thank Ganesh (Hindu God of protection-think I got that right) for protecting her.

Now lets say...

Tara was raised in a Hindu household. She was taught the worship of the Gods and Goddesses and that's what she's known all her life. (Or we can have this go the other way, Tara was raised Christian but recently stumbled upon the Hindu path and began worshipping their Gods and Goddesses on her own). Lets say she still won the lottery, all the same circumstances applied. Foreclosure in her near future, not enough food, but still a hardworker regardless. Lets say she had just been told about or discovered her new faith a few weeks ago and started practicing it deciding that it made more sense than her old one. Then she wins the lottery. This gives her the feeling that she made the right decision, that her new deity is rewarding her, blessing her, smiling on her. She's been blessed with good fortune, things that she needs are coming to her. Someone is watching out for her, and this gets attributed to her new faith.

The circumstances were the same, the same thing happened, they both had good outcome. But in one setting Tara's Christian faith was deepened where in the other one her Hindu faith was deepened. And yes it my belief that reglardless of what religion she was practicing she would've won the lottery. I don't believe that you have to pray to Jesus to recieve the things you need. Nor I do I think you need to pray to Laksmi (since she was the example used earlier) to recieve monetary blessings. Or to Ganesh to recieve protection. I think if you work for what you need (money or what have you) then you're going to get it on your own without a deity helping.

Everybody practices their faith slightly differently from the next person (even if they're both practicing the same religion) and every 'bump in the road' is going to affect people differently. I look at times of hardship (and the universe knows I've seen enough of those) as learning experiences. There's a lesson to be learned in losing something or having a fight with someone. Until that lesson is learned 'teachers' will be placed in front of you until you've been taught your lesson and really learned it. I've experienced this in my life. I've been through things that have confirmed my belief in this.

Christians would say this is Jesus trying to teach you a lesson. I say it's the universe. I say it's a karmic backlash. I wasn't doing something I was supposed to be doing and I suffered the consequences of it. No evil force caused me to go through what I went through, it was my own doing. And if I look back at the events of my life I can prove that using statistical means, scientific means. The devil didn't make these things happen, my actions-or lack there of-made them happen.

Some of my Christian family may read this and think I've 'backslidden' as was once used to describe me. Truth is, I've been pretty firm in my belief system for a long time. I haven't backslidden from it once even when people think that I have. I have a bit (understatement) of a scientific mind. I don't have to 'see to believe' but I do like it when there is evidence to support my theories. I've had evidence galore in my life to support my beliefs and the more of my life I experience and live the more evidence I gather that I am walking the path that I was meant to walk. I believe that the path I am walking is the right one, for me. And maybe my path isn't for everyone, that's something I believe. Just like spicey food isn't for everyone, certain paths or walks of life aren't for everyone. And I can accept that.