Gardening and Dad

I have had such fun gardening lately. Last night I went out intending to just check on my Marigolds (which are doing fabulously) but wound up weeding and extending my garden a bit. It was so narrow when I began it that I barely had room to plant anything. But when I started pulling some grass that the mowers had missed and it began coming out in clumps, I just started extending my garden slightly. It's atleast a bit wider now and my plants will have more room to grow.

The cats enjoyed being outside last night as well.

Saturday I tried going up to my dad's but...he wasn't home. So instead I just left him a card in his mailbox and a message on his VM saying I had dropped by but he wasn't home and inviting him to call me. I haven't heard anything and I KNOW he has the message by now. He never goes on vacation and never takes off work. Today's Tuesday. He should've gotten the message Saturday night or Sunday night at the latest. *sigh* The balls in his court now. Why should I keep trying when he's not even making an effort?

Course, it's been like this for most of my life I guess. Only one of us ever made an effort. When I was a kid he wasn't around much but then again that was mostly my fault. I never wanted to go visit him up there because he pretty much ignored me. He would always be working either at the shop or somewhere around the house. The few times we did spend time together he'd make some insult that he viewed as a joke. I didn't take it as a joke though.

This continued up through my teenage years. And then now, when I actually want a relationship with him he's being a total ass about the whole thing and won't even call me back.

Mom says there must've been a reason I didn't want to go up there when I was a kid. He claims it was because I was a "mama's girl" which I was. My mom and I have always been close. But had he taken time to develop a relationship with me, him and I could've been close too. And I wish that was the case. I know people who have actually lost their father's to illness or just natural causes of death. I feel like I've lost my father even though he's still alive. I'm trying to convince my heart that he's gone for good even though he's a 45 minute drive away.

When you lose someone a grieving process is always required. But knowing he's still alive, in the same city, and close with my brother doesn't make it any easier. It makes it alot harder. I've tried for years now to have a relationship with him but...it never works.

I wonder what Dr. Phil would have to say to us. I know I'm partly at fault, I don't deny that. But he is too. Every single time I talk to him it's always a lecture. I never get the "how are you doing?" or "What's new in your life?". It's always "you need to have 2 full time jobs" or "you shouldn't have sold your car without consulting me first" and things like that. He never points out anything I've done right (course to him I havne't done anything right) and he DOES point out everything I do wrong-which to him is everything.

My mom suggested I write to Dr. Phil. I might just do that. Course I doubt he'd agree to go on the show. I very much doubt it. My dad doesn't cooperate with anything I want to do. Even as a kid. I wanted to go fishing? He always had an excuse not to. I wanted to go swimming? I got the excuse that it cost money to get in the pool and there was too much work to do to take the time for that.

I understand that work has to be done and it's important to do it too. But...there's a place for fun in everyone's life. Life has to be a balance. Too much of one thing can be hazardous.

I'm currently trying to find that balance. I wish he'd do the same thing...

Family

It's been an interesting week this past week. I have been totally meat free all week and am trying to limit my milk/egg/cheese...dairy in general consumption. I just don't feel like I should be eating them. I spent a year as a vegetarian before and there's nothing hard about it. You just avoid meat and make sure you get the nutrients you need. I'm going to start taking a daily vitamin me thinks just to make sure I do get the correct nutrients. Nobody gets the right nutrients even if they do eat meat.

Tomorrow I have a job interview. It's not my dream job by any means. Matter of fact, I don't even want to work at the place. I'm not saying it's beneath me it's just not something that would make me happy. All it is is a paycheck at the end of two weeks and a bridge until I find a job that I would enjoy more. That's all it is. If I make a few friends at it, great. If not...well then that's fine too. Truth is like I said though...it is merely a stepping stone as I try to find something that will make me happy.

I have noticed something about this family lately. We are all very distant from eachother and some of us tend to be very uncaring. I'm talking about my mom's side of the family through all this. (Amy, Andrea if you guys read this it DOESN'T include you). Anyway my uncle is...I can't even think of a word for him. He can be the life of the party the happy go lucky, no cares in the world guy. But...you can't believe a word he says. It seems he'd sooner tell you the sky is a lovely shade of green on a perfectly sunny and clear day than actually tell you the truth. He thinks of nobody but himself, rarely asks how we're doing adn just assumes he can stay over at our place whenever he wants. Eats all of our food (though he swears he isn't hungry to begin with) and brings all his problems (which he seems to be swimming in right now) onto the problems we already have.

Then there's my grandma. Tell me how this makes sense: She doesn't want my uncle living with her (he's homeless) but when he said his doctor said he can't live alone she tried to convince us to let him stay with us. Her reasons for her not wanting him to stay with her are legit (he attempted to steal 3 rings from her a few months back) but yet wants to foist him off on us. She's the one with the extra room at her place. Our condo is technically a one bedroom with a den made into a 2 bedroom. And then when she knows there's problems, she doesn't answer the phone. Or takes it off the hook. Then right before she's about to leave she'll put it back on the hook. One day we went over there because we couldn't get ahold of her because she had it off the hook. She was none to pleased to see Kevin on her doorstep.

I'm tired of this family being so distant. I can't say I'm not a hypocrite because I haven't called my dad in 6 months. I have wanted to for the past few weeks but was waiting for Mercury to go direct again. I didn't want anything to mess up the initial conversation because it's going to be hard enough. My dad isn't the nicest but he IS my dad and I would like to talk to him again. I'd like to know how my other grandma is doing, and my brother. Bryan (my brother) is in college and my grandma had a pretty decent case of Alzheimer's/Dementia (can't remember which) last time I talked to him. This will be an interesting phone call though. I hope it goes better than I think it will...

Earth Day, Work, and a Cell Phone

Today...is sadly the last day of my job for this season. As kind of a 'thank you' I guess my boss brought in some donuts and sandwich fixin's for breakfast and lunch. He does this every year. He's really a sweet guy. There's also a banquet on May 3 as an end of the year function...something else they have every year. Last year they had some kind of line dance or some country wester thing. I had signed up to go but forgot about it until it was too late. This year, I've signed up and I'm putting a reminder in my cell phone so that I won't forget. I'd like to go and I can bring a guest so...why not?

Earth Day approaches rapidly. This isn't really a celebratory day for alot of people but I incorporate it into my spiritual life. I just use it as a day to honor the Earth and a reminder for myself to keep living a green life and keep doing what I can to help restore balance to the planet. I'll most likely spend Earth Day in a local park meditating and maybe practicing some simple beginner Yoga moves. Perhaps do some reading, writing, and birdwatching as well.

It seems I fixed my cell phone. For the past day or so it had been going extremely slow in the IM service I use. Not wanting to open it, not switching to the input screen (without taking 30 seconds) etc. Then a few moments ago it froze on me...so I just switched it off and then back on. Vuala (sp?) the problem is fixed!!!

My uncle is wanting to stay with us again this weekend. I'm not really that big of a fan of letting him do that. He's homeless and claims he has no place to go. Except...he's been staying somewhere for the past week or so. He says that place is diving him nuts and he needs a break from it. It's a roof over your head and a place to sleep. When you're desperate for a place to go, you don't need a break from a place. Atleast not in my opinion. Knowing Kevin he's just tired of having to work there...it's a requirement. In order to stay there you have to work for your room. Kevin doesn't like work at all. Avoids it at all costs. If it gives him a place to sleep though you'd think he'd be willing to do anything. Some people just want everything handed to them on a silver platter. He seems to be one of them...

I'm off to read an old copy of one of my favorite magazines: Sagewoman. Which reminds me to check out their website to see when the next edition is coming out. It's a quarterly magazine and I just love it. I have all my back copies for about 3 years now and am recently going back through them to reread and reabsorb their information. Some of the stories (especially the ones in the "Warrior" edition) really hit home with me. They mean alot and some are pieces I could've written myself. I hope to one day have a piece published in this magazine. Along of course with National Geographic. hehe.

It's Ok To Be Different

Ugh I really don't feel like being here right now. I've been battling a cold all week. Funny thing is my cat has one too. We both woke up the same morning with a cold...both sneezing every now and again. I'm just hoping we don't get the other human and the other cats that live with us sick as well. I'm sitting at work hoping the phone doesn't ring much because my throat hurts bad enough without having to constantly talk.

I think it was Tuesday that I heard that Vermont also legalized Gay Marriage. Woohoo. This time it didn't depend on liberal judges either, it was something the state government did. I wish Indiana would follow suit...

I'm getting reminders to both pay attention to my talents that I'm not using (I'm assuming this means my writing as I haven't been giving it as much attention lately as I used to) and also to slow down and think before I act/speak. This is all very good advice but it's getting harder to do.

Also, I'm tired of hiding certain aspects of myself just because I'm afraid of my family's reaction to it. Family is something that is important to me and I believe that family should stick by eachother regardless of what they do. These people are tied to us and meant to be in our lives for a reason. Either they're supposed to teach us something or we are supposed to teach them something. I don't really believe in coincidences, I believe everything happens for a reason.

We may get frustrated when family members choose to lead their lives different from the way we live ours but that isn't reason to shun them, we should look at that as a way to learn something. We don't need to always analyze why a person does something (though this is something I love doing) but just accept that they do it. For examply who cares about the why of someone being gay/lesbian, what does it matter the why of someone being drawn to explore other religions. The fact is they are. If they choose to live differently than you do, then isn't that their decision to make? I understand parents wanting to protect their children, I really do but...unless a child is literally about to jump off a cliff, I believe kids need to make their own mistakes. Some people, like me, just have an interest in other religions and other cultures. Sometimes those interests lead them to something that more closely fits what they believe than the religion they were brought up in does.

If a person's religious beliefs differ from their parents that doesn't mean the person is saying the parent did a bad job of raising them or that the beliefs of the parents can't work for those parents, it just simply means that they don't fit what the child believes. It is okay, in my opinion, for the children to hold different beliefs than the parent. We are all at different stages of development in our spiritual lives. Just because one person believes there is a devil out there setting temptation in front of them all the time, wanting them to fall from grace and screw up doesn't mean the next person does.

I, personally, don't believe in a supreme evil being. I believe that believing in something and giving it a name gives it power. What I do believe is that anything that happens to us in our lives is entirely man made. Basically the law of karma. What you do, you're gonna get back. Steal something? You'll be arrested most likely but even if you aren't you'll have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life. Lie? You may never get caught but the chances are you'll have to lie again to cover up your first lie and then you have guilt for that. Have too many beers? You'll have to deal with the hangover and the repercussions of your crazy behavior the next day. Nothing is free.

Many people would now say to me "Yea, but what caused those people to lie, steal, or drink to begin with?" To which I would say something like "We are human, we do make mistakes. We all have lessons to learn but the path in which we learn them is not the same as everyone else's." For example: I can easily sit and hear stories of my uncle and father drinking and getting drunk, them dealing with hangovers, or see a movie that shows the same thing and know not to drink. Some other people have to actually do the action and experience the hangover in order to learn the lesson. Just like in school some kids can read a book and learn about science, others need the more hands on approach. Me? I'm the booker. Some of my friends are the doers. Only the stars can tell which way is best for us...

Few More Pictures

I have been camera happy lately and eager to capture any living, newly blooming thing on film. Well...on my phone =-P I don't know if I just want to save it to keep with me for next winter to make it a bit more bearable or if I just want to enjoy the beauty of it in the here and now. Regardless I snap photos of beautiful flowers whenever I can. Here's one I snapped this morning:

And another:

I'm beginning to think the last photo is of a Dogwood tree. I'll have to go home and look it up in my little guide to the local trees here in Indiana but I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Whatever it is, it has some beautiful flowers. And even the little buds are beautiful.

When dropping my mom off at work I noticed a nest being built in that tree. I don't know if it's a birds nest or a squirrels. Judging by the size and location I'm guessing bird. Actually there's two but I think they are both bird nests. Here are the photos I snapped of them:

Last Saturday I hung a bird feeder out back. There haven't been any birds come to it yet except for a few doves. I'm hoping they'll spread the word and we'll get some Chickadees or Finches here soon. We'll see. There sure is plenty of seed out there for them all though ^_^ Hopefully they'll come along soon. My cats will just adore watching all the birds. Melodi and Bubby already had a blast watching the Doves the other day.

My uncle decided he was going to stay over at our place last night. He called my mom at 8:30pm and wanted her to go pick him up and bring him back to our house. At first he said he just wanted to visit but then when it got to be around 11 he asked if he could crash there. *rolls eyes* Go figure. The guy really doesn't have anywhere to go since his ex threw him out for cheating on her. And supposedly he wasn't allowed to drive because of some nerve shot he got yesterday, that's why he needed mom to go get him.

I can't decide whether or not I want him around though. You can't leave him alone for a minute, he'll take whatever you have and run with it. You can't believe a word he says, he's a pathological liar. But on the other hand, it's not fun when you have no where to go and you think no one wants you around. I can sympathize with him and his situation, I've been in it. So I just try to take what he says with a grain a salt and keep atleast one eye on him at all times. I just hope he doesn't want to stay at our place again tonight. I need some sleep and so does my mom...

Florida and Mermaids

When I first created this blog I went on the hunt for other bloggers that I might enjoy following and I stumbled upon this one: http://seaweedandgardenias.blogspot.com/ (I think that url is right). Anyway because of her interest in mermaids I've been reminded of my own fascination with them.

Back when I was younger I used to visit my grandparents in Florida every year for Spring Break. They lived within walking distance of the Gulf of Mexico. I used to swim in it every year, always fearless never afraid of the undertow or anything like that. The year the Disney movie "The Little Mermaid" was released was the first time I was exposed to mermaids. I was obsessed with that movie and watched it over and over again. I always liked the part where she was the actual mermaid the best as opposed to when Ursula gave her legs and she went on shore to find Eric, her true love.

One year just before we left I had fought with my mom about something. I don't remember what now since I was maybe 6 or 7 at the time. Before we boarded the airplane that would fly us down there I told her I was going to swim out to sea and find Ursula and have her make me a mermaid. I was a total water rat when I was kid so that seemed like the perfect solution to my problems. I could be free, see pretty sights all the time, and stay in the water always. (something I dreamed of as a kid).

Well I never did even try to find Ursula, good thing because obviously she doesn't exist. (tell that to a 6 year old though). However I still love the idea of mermaids and anything like that. I'd love to be able to swim everywhere and collect pretty shells, have fish friends and various things.

My grandpas death in 1996 pretty much stopped all travel to Florida since my grandma stayed up here in the snow and ice instead of going down for beautiful warm weather and sunny beaches. But I still dream of the mermaids and they will always hold fascination for me. I've since learned to draw them (sorta-I kinda suck at it) and although I haven't really read any lore or myths about them I still like to imagine them as the beautiful free-spirited creatures I knew them to be as a child.

My Mind is FULL!!!

Ok so I've got some things on my mind today. Well some of these thoughts started last night and just...carried over to today.

One: It's my dad's birthday today. Should I call him or let the day go by unacknowledged? Most people would say call him, get him a card, a gift, go see him, etc. My relationship with my dad is...strained to say the least. We've never had a good relationship and I guess it's my fault to an extent. I'm not real sure what made it rocky. I'm beginning to suspect that it's the fact that when I was really young and first started visiting him it was just him and me there. Well and the dogs. Then a few years later he had some strange girl move in with him that had never met. The first time I met her was when she came with my dad to pick me up one Saturday afternoon. That's also when I learned she was now living with him. They are now married and I'm still not real fond of her and at first I didn't think that would be the reason why our relationship was strained but...maybe it is. Maybe I'm just another girl that's a victim of having some strange girl taking her daddy away and that made her feel put out or pushed aside. It didn't help years later when my half brother came into the picture and my dad started giving him all sorts of attention. They always got along so great and I don't think that helped me feel anymore included in his life. Years later still I'm wishing I knew how to fix things.

Two: Yesterday my boyfriend was a bit down. When we first got together things were great. If something bothered him, he would always talk to me about it. Now it seems like he's always going to his friends (which I don't mind if he talks to them too) and not talking to me about things so much. I'm not the kind of girl that can say 'okay deal with things youre own way'. If something's bothering someone that I love, I need to know what that something is. Most of the time I want to know so that I can find some kind of way to help make it right. Sometimes it's just me being insecure and thinking that maybe I've done something that's bugging him and he's just not telling me. I want the kind of relationship where we tell eachother everything. You'd think after two years of being together we'd be pretty open with eachother and I wouldn't have to ask him time and time again to talk to me about things.

Yesterday, because he was down, he would barely talk to me saying that he's "busy". Okay I can understand that you have to look for a job (he was laid off in December), that's fine. So I leave him be telling him I'm there if he wants to talk or anything. Later that afternoon I try talking to him again just to make sure he's okay. He doesn't respond (I was IMing him) so I try texting him. I'm patient and wait a bit and finally he texts me back and says that he's out with his friends and that they were busy trying to make him happy.

...

Um ok, you told your friends what was wrong but you won't talk to me, your girlfriend, about what's bothering you??? Something is wrong with this picture. And then last night when he got home he IMed me and said hi that he was ok but that was it. That's fine, I'm glad he let me know that like he always does but I wanted to talk to him a bit before we went to sleep. Whatever. Now it's the next day and when I asked him about it this morning he just said it was "just job stuff" that had him so down. Ok, yesterday he told me it was a long story and that he didn't have time to tell me about it because he was looking for a job. Three words does not constitute a long story. If you didn't feel like talking about it right then, you could've just said so. I wouldn't have bit your head off sheesh!

Three: Someone else here found out I like to write poetry. She overheard me typing this blog and asked what I was doing that would cause me to type so fast (lol). I told her I was blogging but that the normal type of writing I did was short stories/novels/poetry type stuff. I think she was a bit surprised. I think most people would be surprised to learn that about me because it's not something I share with everyone I meet. Mostly because people then ask to read something I"ve written and I hate seeing people's reactions in person. I'd much rather email them a copy of things and have them email me their response. I think I'm just a coward that way...