Gardening and Dad

I have had such fun gardening lately. Last night I went out intending to just check on my Marigolds (which are doing fabulously) but wound up weeding and extending my garden a bit. It was so narrow when I began it that I barely had room to plant anything. But when I started pulling some grass that the mowers had missed and it began coming out in clumps, I just started extending my garden slightly. It's atleast a bit wider now and my plants will have more room to grow.

The cats enjoyed being outside last night as well.

Saturday I tried going up to my dad's but...he wasn't home. So instead I just left him a card in his mailbox and a message on his VM saying I had dropped by but he wasn't home and inviting him to call me. I haven't heard anything and I KNOW he has the message by now. He never goes on vacation and never takes off work. Today's Tuesday. He should've gotten the message Saturday night or Sunday night at the latest. *sigh* The balls in his court now. Why should I keep trying when he's not even making an effort?

Course, it's been like this for most of my life I guess. Only one of us ever made an effort. When I was a kid he wasn't around much but then again that was mostly my fault. I never wanted to go visit him up there because he pretty much ignored me. He would always be working either at the shop or somewhere around the house. The few times we did spend time together he'd make some insult that he viewed as a joke. I didn't take it as a joke though.

This continued up through my teenage years. And then now, when I actually want a relationship with him he's being a total ass about the whole thing and won't even call me back.

Mom says there must've been a reason I didn't want to go up there when I was a kid. He claims it was because I was a "mama's girl" which I was. My mom and I have always been close. But had he taken time to develop a relationship with me, him and I could've been close too. And I wish that was the case. I know people who have actually lost their father's to illness or just natural causes of death. I feel like I've lost my father even though he's still alive. I'm trying to convince my heart that he's gone for good even though he's a 45 minute drive away.

When you lose someone a grieving process is always required. But knowing he's still alive, in the same city, and close with my brother doesn't make it any easier. It makes it alot harder. I've tried for years now to have a relationship with him but...it never works.

I wonder what Dr. Phil would have to say to us. I know I'm partly at fault, I don't deny that. But he is too. Every single time I talk to him it's always a lecture. I never get the "how are you doing?" or "What's new in your life?". It's always "you need to have 2 full time jobs" or "you shouldn't have sold your car without consulting me first" and things like that. He never points out anything I've done right (course to him I havne't done anything right) and he DOES point out everything I do wrong-which to him is everything.

My mom suggested I write to Dr. Phil. I might just do that. Course I doubt he'd agree to go on the show. I very much doubt it. My dad doesn't cooperate with anything I want to do. Even as a kid. I wanted to go fishing? He always had an excuse not to. I wanted to go swimming? I got the excuse that it cost money to get in the pool and there was too much work to do to take the time for that.

I understand that work has to be done and it's important to do it too. But...there's a place for fun in everyone's life. Life has to be a balance. Too much of one thing can be hazardous.

I'm currently trying to find that balance. I wish he'd do the same thing...