Nature's Effect and my name...

This past weekend was good. Saturday I did some running around with my mom, we did some shopping, some thrifting. We love doing that. It's always fun to see what bargains we can find. And it's great for our limited budget as well!!! Most people would be horrified to admit that they shop at Goodwill, especially for clothing. I myself used to be horrified to admit that. But have any of you actually looked at the clothing racks there? You can find some really sweet deals there. I have found some brand new clothes there on their racks. I got a cute pair of high heels that were brand new from Target (still had the Target tags on them!!) for $2 this past weekend...they were normally $23! I also stumbled upon some close to new silver heels by Mudd for $4 and a brand new Mudd purse for $3. Not to mention the black pinstripe pants and skirt I found there that are originally from WalMart (probably $15-20 a piece) and a new sweater from Old Navy there. People seriously, before you go pay department store prices, check out your local Goodwill. There actually is some great stuff there! Besides thrifting is very good for the environment hehe. (reuse and recycle =-P)

As far as Easter sunday goes...it was pretty well. My mom insisted I attend a church service with her so to make her happy I did. I have never felt comfortable in a church, refusing to go when I was a teenager (though I was dragged there against my will) and not even liking to go when I was a kid. Sunday as I sat in church...I half listened to the sermon. The preacher said something like "there is no hope without Easter". I understand he meant without the rising of Jesus from his tomb. However...I believe that there is.

Whenever my family stumbles upon this blog I'm sure this is one of many posts that will raise the hairs on their heads but...I have to say what I feel. This is my blog after all. I have followed an alternative path for a long time now in silence and the more I really think about my beliefs the more firm I am in them. For example, my belief in reincarnation. The preacher gave a reason for the fear of death...something tied to the Christians belief system, though I can't recall exactly what he said. I don't personally fear death...I fear the unlived life. I don't fear dying, I know it comes to all things in time and I know my time will eventually come and that when it does come I'll have learned what I'm meant to in this life. I also know that my spirit will be reborn and I'll have the chance to live again. A different life and chances are I won't recall this one but I don't believe we have just one life here to live.

As I was sitting in the church sanctuary I was having all these thoughts. When the music started I enjoyed the melodies and thought some of the songwriters did a good job with them, some of the singers there have some real talent-some great voices and are great musicians. But then I allowed myself to observe the actual building. It felt so cold and uninviting to me. It was dark and impersonal and not a place that I could personally call a sanctuary. My sanctuary isn't foudn in a building. It's found in a wooded park close to my house. It's found right outside my door under the shade tree in my backyard. It's found by the lake at my uncle's house. It's found in a grassy meadow in a distant land. Nature is my santuary...my place for worship. I have tried to infuse my room with many of it's own decorations. I hang pictures of flowers, have faerie statues sitting around, I have a growing plant in my window but nothing NOTHING will ever compare to the serenity and total completeness I feel out in nature.

Sometimes when I sit at my favorite spot in my favorite park in the summer time and just look around at all the beauty and the wildness of the plants there, the babbling stream, and the various birds that are found there...I get tears in my eyes just from feeling so at home, so at peace. I feel something brush a gentle caress across my cheek and I know that no masculine touch could ever feel so soft, so gentle. I know it's the hand of an ancient Goddess alerting me of Her presence, letting me know She's there to watch over me and that She hears me every time I pray to Her.

This is a feeling I have NEVER gotten from a church building or the Christian God (and it's not for lack of trying). I have never felt so at peace so...totally loved, accepted, and just all around connected as I have since I began my own spiritual journey 11 years ago. I wound never ask my family to give up their own beliefs, if this is the feeling they get from what they practice then I could never ask them to sacrifice it. I myself would never be able to give up this feeling. I return every chance I get even if it's just for a few seconds just to get a glimpse of this feeling. Even watching the shrubs outside my work's window I get chills thinking about Her.

There is a name that I have felt drawn to for a very long time. Some people reading this will know of a columnist by the same name but, this came to me before I stumbled upon her. I've resisted embracing it because I didn't know what the first part meant and I never really believed I was anything like the second part.

Kiva Rose

I now know that they both fit me. A kiva is a spiritual room for the Hopi Indians where all their rituals were performed. I have been obsessed with Native Americans and their culture since they were first taught to me in school. It was always my favorite part of history class when we would have to learn the different tribes. I later found out that I have Hopi ancestors on my maternal side. So I've been reading about them. The name of Kiva very much feels...perfect for me. I'm a very spiritual person, I have Native American ancestors who used Kiva's for the spiritual practices....

As for the Rose part...my grandma has called me Rosebud ever since I was little. I never cared for it much and I'm not sure why. I especially didn't like it when my step-uncle started calling me that. Anyone perhaps when I was a child Rosebud would have fit me. But lately I've been meditating on the rose, learning a bit more about them. Their sharp places aren't thorns (those are modified leaves) but actually prickles. Roses come in many different colors (I even found a picture of a purple one!!!) and all have different meanings. The prickles to me are like the prickles I have to keep people at bay, to keep them from getting too close. But yet my core is soft much like the various colored rose petals. I do not think I'm the conventionally beautiful type but I do think my personality and the woman I'm growing to be is beautiful. Not to mention the fact that I am a very sensual person, I love being in love, and I just plain love love itself. So to me 'Rose' fits very much anymore. The more I meditate on it and learn about it, the more I truly believe that.

I tried adding the 'bud' onto Rose (to get Rosebud) to see if that still fit but...it doesn't. It feels kina foreign to me now but yet familiar, if that makes sense. I also tried adding mary to the end to get Rosemary since I love herbs so much but...that doesn't feel quite right either. Wildrose does feel right.

So I have modified the name that originally came to me years ago from "Kiva Rose" to "Kiva Wildrose".

The more I think about that name, the more I realize that for this stage of my life and development, there is no better name for me. No name could fit me more.

*~*Kiva Wildrose*~*